Showing Up.
Showing up can be quite a challenge, and I've certainly experienced that firsthand. But what does "showing up" really mean to me? It's about putting myself out there, allowing the world to see me, and relinquishing control over what happens next. It's the act of posting a video on Instagram, crafting this blog post, or even hitting that publish button on this website (which I've been procrastinating on for weeks). Showing up entails embracing vulnerability. It means I'm exposing myself to potential criticism, mockery, or teasing, all while releasing my grip on the desired outcome.
Now, I understand that this struggle isn't unique to me. Many people grapple with it. However, it's the visceral, body-held reaction that hits me just as I'm about to hit post or publish that makes me wonder if there's more to it. Currently, my mission is to dig deep and uncover the root cause. I've analyzed why this fear consistently surfaces for me, time and time again. I've made lists, and sought guidance from therapists, coaches, shamans, and guides, yet the fear still overwhelms me, hindering my desire to be seen, to express myself, and to share.
Here are some of the rationalizations I've used to explain my hesitation to show up:
Growing up in the Midwest, it's ingrained in us to blend in rather than stand out.
In my small hometown, standing out was viewed as a negative thing.
As I mentioned earlier, showing up means embracing vulnerability, which is undoubtedly challenging for many people.
Putting yourself out there, especially on the internet (even if no one reads it), makes your content permanent. Yes, you can delete and edit, but it always leaves a mark.
Who am I to think that anyone would be interested in what I have to say or do?
My family has a history of keeping a low profile.
I was bullied during my pre-teen and teen years, mainly due to my appearance and clothing choices. This feels like a significant factor.
I hope these reasons paint a clear picture of why showing up is such a struggle for me. Logically, I can comprehend the difficulty, but I'm also aware of the necessity to overcome it. Despite feeling that discomfort and fear deep in my bones, I'm fully aware that I must find my way through it and show up.
Throughout my life, I've aspired to be a writer, a speaker, and a helper. To excel in these roles, I must both blend in and stand out. I need to explore my inner self while also reaching out and being visible to others.
So, this blog post marks my first step in showing up. It's a small contribution to my new website, and it's entirely possible that no one may ever see it. But it exists, and that's what truly matters.
